The price of doing the best for others FIRST before myself, acting on their opinions and suppressing myself, I was few seconds to end, by ending in an accident in my car on the highway. I felt like the biggest bottle and I couldn’t do anything right, so why not take my life and do people a favor?
My ability to ask for help, act on it, and I called a friend for help stopped me from acting on it that day in my car. Thanks to those two things, it dawned on me how unhappy I was. The consequence was / is too high to pay, to do the best for others before myself, I was seconds to pay the consequence, even afterwards.
I even stood in the kitchen in the morning before my call to my friend and afterwards, with a knife in my hand, pressed the edge up my artery and thought, if I was hard enough and fast, then it will be the least painless for me so I can end my suffering. I didn’t feel any more pain.
I fought; FUCK IT WAS HARD. I struggled with the well-known, my own self-effacing and choosing my own happiness BEFORE others. On April 21, 2019, I chose to act. IT’S ENOUGH, NOW IT STOPS to be a please and welcome my greatest fear in my heart, to be repelled by everyone also by the community. Being a pleaser was my death. I chose to sell EVERYTHING I owned and travel to the world on March 4th 2020, to fight for wildlife rights through Serve Global Wildlife work.
My willingness to rise again and AGAIN made the difference, so today I am willing to sacrifice all relationships and things, for my own happiness. The consequence of going against my needs, opinions and standards is too high to pay. I choose to sacrifice EVERYTHING, it gives me the opportunity to keep my promise to myself and to my mother, to live, to be happy, to be able to laugh.
I say goodbye to passing on the suffering to those I have loved that my dad gave me when he chose to take his own life, March 2006. I choose to live and welcome my own happiness as the most important thing in my world. I choose to say goodbye to everything that wants the opposite for me. Thank you for being in my life and I wish you the best, goodbye.